Pandora
Me as I came back into the room and immediately huddled by the furnace: I'm cold
Ferret very quietly from the other end of the room: ...Not as cold as my soul.

PERMALINK · 3 · REBLOG
#funny roommate
To all the Tumblr users who tend to use tags very liberally:

thejadedkiwano:

Let’s play a game.

Type the following words into your tags box, then post the first automatic tag that comes up.

you

also

what

when

why

how

look

because

never


PERMALINK · 132974 · REBLOG
#You don't know what you have done #also i'm not very good with dares #What on Earth? #I was dying when I saw this #but why? #How? #looks like the creators are having fun #because they recycle :D #Neversoft

How about no.


PERMALINK · REBLOG
#what #coffee

hackedmotionsensors:

STEVE PILE!!!!


PERMALINK · 12314 · REBLOG
#captain america #winter soldier
Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)
Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Close the door.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: I love puns.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Please shut up.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I hate homework.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

PERMALINK · 115502 · REBLOG
#funny #dad jokes #teachers #parents

cinematicnomad:

crazyassmurdererwall:

scottthepilgrim:

what if when you killed someone you gained their best trait

 (via tickatocka)

   (via crazyassmurdererwall)


PERMALINK · 33785 · REBLOG
#funny #cool beans

gavmobile:

"Where are you, Ray?" - "He’s in the wrong neighborhood."


PERMALINK · 10946 · REBLOG
#funny #ray narvaez jr #roosterteeth #Achievement Hunter

x

(Source: fueledbydyne)


PERMALINK · 3041 · REBLOG
#funny #roosterteeth #Achievement Hunter

sigsauer-ist:

ungoliantschilde:

FedEx has amusing aircraft mechanics in their employ.

oh fuck this is great


PERMALINK · 112680 · REBLOG
#funny

jumpingjaverts:

jumpingjaverts:

jumpingjaverts:

jumpingjaverts:

whats the difference between outlaws and inlaws

outlaws are wanted

come on reblog this my grandma told me this joke and was convinced she was going to be famous on tumblr for it

every time my mom and grandma get into an argument my grandma says “excuse me pamela i am famous on the tumbler”


PERMALINK · 115614 · REBLOG
#funny

whatjanesays:

scratch-the-maven:

#perfect example of how Rhodey talks to Tony #about tough shit #no tip-toeing around #no hand-holding and coddling #fuck that #we’re cracking jokes #and talking directly #and look at Tony #it’s EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDS TO HEAR #respect #normalcy #being treated like himself #not handled like he’s fragile #do you know how fucking much he would hate that? #he would turn into the biggest asshole in the universe until that pity bullshit stopped #get away from him with that {x}

  

(Source: tonysassy)


PERMALINK · 82048 · REBLOG
#Iron Man

bangingpatchouli:

somecreativedomain:

I bet it tastes like regret and daddy issues.

With hints of self-loathing and a deeply repressed finish


PERMALINK · 53580 · REBLOG
#funny #supernatural

deaddave:

DC Bombshells Pin-Ups by Ant Lucia


PERMALINK · 20617 · REBLOG
#dc comics #pin up art

spirithealer118:

first-chain:

bluhbluhkiryu:

roswell73:

amroyounes:

My part I of a two part series on Pope Francis and why I think he rocks!  There has been a backlash against religiosity lately with all that is going on in the world and folks like him definitely help restore your faith!

I’m agnostic bordering on atheist and this man warms my heart. He is what we should all strive to be.

I’m not religious, but I love this guy!

This is how you human

Is nobody going to acknowledge that the FREAKING POPE RODE A HARLEY?  Ultimate proof that bikers are good people here.


PERMALINK · 136719 · REBLOG
#pope francis

flufflogic:

partifoul:

birchsoda:

nazmat:

hotanimebabe:

straight dudes 100 percent of their lives

I didn’t think people like this actually existed

Here we see the Greater Douchebag in one of their natural habitats. Like many poisonous animals, the bright colors are a warning to stay away.

the no homo sapiens

I was just going to like and then that last comment

(Source: thepaulfamilydynasty)


PERMALINK · 144235 · REBLOG
#funny